countdown to the new years

my journal transposed into a letter as 2022 ends.

22/12/2022

passing cars from car window

December this year ends in my birthplace, at the start, as previous Decembers do. Although this year I realize how foreignly familiar our family house smells. There’s a scent of bittersweet pride that hits from my clothes; a realisation.
They don’t smell like our house anymore. I wonder if this means I am now my own person or does it mean that I am becoming the other person? The alien, someone not from here. I’m not sure if I want to think about that anymore.

You see, I have to sleep early because I am driving early tomorrow. A car trip to the countryside. To be honest, I am scared. How much have things changed since I was there last? How much have I changed? Throughout the drive I stayed silent, just in case my tongue betrays my resolve. The roads and words kept me company.

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23/12/2022

I wonder how other people do it? How did they grow out into their Home?

from my mind, ‘We Will Find Our Way Home’

The moment we arrived, and I walked in, somehow, I instantly knew that I did not want to be here, which.. Hurts. I used to love this place. Although now I mostly feel familiar strangers under one roof tied together only through a 6-letter word: family. Why do my parents insist on coming here every single year? (I know why, I know. But my mind is selfish and secretly it wishes to be free of these trips one day. I am scared of that thought. Very.)  In this place through my view right now the word Big Family means nothing and I found that I want to go Home, but the Home I refer to now, I think I am starting to realize that it’s a new one. It’s not somewhere filled with a lot of people that tolerate each other. In fact there is no one in it. I find that now when I refer to Home it is just… me. Wherever I want to be. I want to go home to the world. And to be allowed to. Does that make me a bad person?

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24/12/2022

I’ve never wholly been myself. Therefore I do not know who I am. I know the things that my “I” knows but I do not know the “I” that knows about all these things. Does it make sense?

from my mind, ‘We Will Find Our Way Home’

This year I have asked myself many times about the “I”, my “I” as a whole and who that person is. And with that question at the back of my mind I think I’ve changed. A lot. Too much. This year I have been kind to myself. Was I too kind? Is that why I’ve changed? In solitude it’s okay to celebrate this change. Back here where I am this December, I’m made to feel as though I am ungrateful. Tell me, have you also felt this way? I need someone to tell me it’s okay to feel this way. To want to be a person. Thinking about this makes me want to cry. Maybe only Time will tell. Recently I have been waiting for Time to whisper an answer in the early hours of no sleep.

On the brighter side, this year is ending with a lot of chapters closed, often spent with moments and people I cherish, which, I am grateful for. I hope I get to do that for more years to come. I hope I can grow up into someone capable of more to give.

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25/12/2022

Merry Christmas,

Today I went with my family to church, just to listen. And I somehow find it funny; the fact that it is almost always the same words being uttered: the reminder sermon that Christmas isn’t just pretty gifts, new clothes, good food, etc. A reminder to be selfless on this day, because this day is all about the baby born in Bethlehem, as if the whole scripture isn’t already filled with celebrations of His miracles. Although, don’t take me wrong. I am not saying this out of spite. Because yes, supposedly, this day is His birthday and that meaning should not get lost in the flurry of grand celebrations. However, I’d like to believe that Christmas can also be our day.

I am neither religious or know the one absolute truth about this world but—I would like to believe that on this day long ago, a savior was really born as a person. And if the supposed savior of this world was born as one of us then I’d like to entertain the thought that Christmas is also a celebration for all of us. As people, as selves. I believe we can also make this day a humble celebration of everything inherently good about me, and you. A celebration, yes, and a reminder of how we all have gone through another year again, together in this world. Each one of us, different but also the same.

So I say it’s okay to be a little selfish and wish that this end of the year brings all of us joy, and strength, and love, even more love for yourself and those around you. Because you’ll never know if God is the absolute truth, but what we do know is that all of us are here, right now. This life is a painting made out of you (yourself) and the people around you (every other selves out there). Be a little more selfish and live loud. Because who else is going to live your own life?

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26/12/2022

The day after Something always felt still. Like, the air feels calmer to allow room for sinking in reflections. I did nothing but listen to music today. In fact, I remembered this song I used to listen religiously to before. I thought I’d share snippets of the lyrics with you:

I didn't wanna listen to what you were sayin'
I thought that I knew all I need to know
I didn't realize that somewhere inside me
I knew you were right but I couldn't say so

You taught me to stand on my own
And I thank you for that.
You saved me, you made me,
And now that I'm looking back,
I can say

I learned from you that I do not crumble
I learned that strength is something you choose

Billy Ray Cyrus and Miley Cyrus, ‘I Learned From You’

There’s just something about the way this song gets me every time. You know, people say you like songs you can relate to, or a song you can resonate to, whatever that means to you.

With this song, the thing is that I feel really connected to its lyrics, yet I don’t know yet which perspective I relate to most, but I would like to think that I can relate to it because I’ve learned. To recognize you must have a sprinkle of the recognized aspect inside of you, I think. The song’s a nice reminder.

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If you’re reading this, I think this is where I’m stopping my countdown to the new year, the mental countdown one. We have got about 5 more days to go, and I’ll try to enjoy the upcoming last days of 2022 just in the moment. Which means we are going back to the analog journal filled with even more jumbled up thoughts, which would not be very useful to you reading.

You can also take this as an invitation to start your own journal, or, go back to writing that old one you stopped writing in after two weeks. Just fill it with random thoughts, keepsakes, etc. Life moves really fast, it really does. It’s a timeless luxury to capture bullet train thoughts and lightbulb ideas in something concrete or tangible. Sometimes I reread my journal from last week and would not even recognize my voice; It’s like having separate minds every week.

Anyways, happy near new year? Thank you for reading this letter, always. I find great comfort in knowing that even one person enjoys these little writings I put out. My biggest thank you for you, all the best going into the new year.

Peace,

Ein.