what would you name this chapter of your life?
In a thought-dump mood, before they reach somewhere lonelier than I am
My tattoo means: My heart and soul, hand in hand.
022623
Everything's rolling into a close, and I spent the start of the day wondering what I'd do in the future, how I'd live, whom I'd be with. …
…when I am sane I know that to be liked is not the only available life option in this world, but I want to be delusional. I want to believe it's alright to want to be celebrated. Because no matter the season, solitude is all I truly know. Solitude in my loneliness, alone in my bitterness. Always.
I feel the need to be alone and silently exist tonight, with hope that this solitude will confidently bring a new kind of strength come morning. I hope it keeps me sane. I hope the world won't leave me alone again, awake in my insanity.
111123
Was just thinking "how can people with cats ever be lonely. Got noone at least ur cat is there. If I had a cat i think a lot of my problems will disappear."
but then it went to "but a cat also gives you more problems more things to note and take care of" but then SO IS A CHILD???? is this what went on through my mom’s head when she had me...
But then I guess with having a child its not about loneliness. idk why people have children tbh its still not clicking in my head right now. Maybe if I like myself more I'd want one too (that’s a very weird thought for now)
I guess if we stopped having children completely someday the plot just stops and it wont be any fun for God anymore. Maybe there will be a new species. I'm sure there’s gnna be another species. Wonder what goes on in that Almighty brain. Does our generation bore God I really want to know what rating we are,,, say out of 10?
Maybe this is why some people think we live in a simulation it's so easy to think that way. Go back go back.
010123
Apa jadinya bila di dunia hanya udara?
201123
Was watering my plants when it suddenly occurred to me that my plants can die someday even when I take care of them well, that they have a certain range of years set by some biological, or even like. heavenly. rule, during which they are allowed to thrive and blossom, and somehow that made me feel really angry(?) I don't know if that was the right feeling but it feels sort of heavy. (I don’t understand myself most of the time.)
In my mind, the plant species always felt more almighty than us humans. Cleaner, somehow. They feel untouchable. But I guess they're really not. I think I felt angry partly because in my mind I've always thought when something grows, that thing would continue to grow forever; That the same tree forever watches the world go around. But then again even the world has a lifespan.
301223
Things that makes me think children aren't so bad:
1. I guess finding someone to fully pour your everything into and to see them grow and to be proud of whoever they will become isn’t so bad.
050723
I feel lonely. The only people I constantly talk to are my parents. I hope I never disappoint them.
hurling through the black clouds, back into reality
The best moment during a flight is where the plane tilts slightly landwards upon touchdown, as if giving a little peek of what your destination might bring. The glittering cities, the lineup of ships at its harbor, and in a wider view, the whole manmadeness of it all.
140723
I loved you too much while Time burned too fast. One confession: I still have love for you. These feelings never left me,
I think it never will.
I see moments I had with you in moments that came after you, and they guide me: your words, your smile. An image of you forever occupies a spot in my heart, even as I extend it to another, even as I love them more than I could ever put into words. Spare me this once. I want to be there once again; even through another's of some slight semblance.
I see them smile and I love them. So, so much. I see them smile, and I remember I loved you.
010124
How does it feel to lie through your teeth just to exist?
090823
I've said this before but what if I really do love just to tell myself I am capable of it? Who am I fooling? Despite not being able to live without love, i still don’t have the necessary patience to love.
Every moment I close my eyes for the night I am ready to greet the first warmth on the next day. Choices seem irrelevant with these people. Existing feels like the most natural thing. I don't want to let go of the time we have.
010723
We sat at Marina Bay until 3 am and talked about where we will be in 1 year, etc. I find it reassuring and.. precious? that the scenarios we think of are of generally mundane stuff. Being able to pay rent on their own, fully paying for our parents' trip, being able to save, etc. getting engaged, securing a bto.
It might sound simple for some but it was reassuring to me. that as long as you are content, its okay as long as you stay for the ride, you have time for yourself, and time to be with people you want to be around.
060424
291123
To be honest, I'm nothing but a lucky person. The only thing keeping me afloat, alive, well and somewhat fulfilled are the people around me, right now, in the past, and I honestly think it will be the same in the future. Luckily, somehow, I always come across the most spectacularly brilliant, endlessly caring and passionate people who fuel me with inspiration almost everyday.
I never want to take them for granted, though. I will find my own footing. I want to be people I have met. And in the future, maybe more.